GLENN FALLS, MI - A child in the St. Michaels Hospital Children's Ward gave up on life last week as he learned that his favorite baseball player, Roger Clemens, had been identified in the Mitchell Report as someone who may have used performance enha...

SAN BERNIDINO, CA - The star of a wildly popular viral video, Dexter Mourn says that while he is happy with his recent success as an internet star, he would really like to turn his attention to directing.
Mourn is the star of the video "...

CLEVELAND, OH - As forecloses continue to haunt the housing market, a sharp rise in cardboard box prices is making it even more difficult for families to find a place to call home.
Mortgage rates for cardboard boxes have increased across the c...

WASHINGTON, DC - With no clear front-runner for the Republican Presidential candidate, several GOP members have called a back-up plan into action and have reanimated former President Ronald Reagan.
Although he has been dead for almost three y...

WATSONS GLENN, VA - A Valentine's Day gift given to Jessica Berg by her boyfriend Adam Benjamin has forced Berg to reevaluate the couple's relationship. The gift, edible panties, is regarded by Berg as "fuckin' bullshit."
"I ...

BOSTON, MA - After an exhaustive five year study, a research team from Harvard University has been able to prove a link exists between overweight people and an "insane love for food."
The study has overturned a decades long belief ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the race for the Democratic nomination yielding no clear victor after months of debates and primaries, the Democratic Party officials have decided the Presidential nomination will go to the winner of a "your momma" b...

LAS VEGAS, NV - Resort developer Steve Wynn is planning a new feature to add to his Wynn Las Vegas Resort and Country Club that he is describing as "the first of its kind." The feature, currently dubbed "The Spankdome," will be a ...

CLEVELAND, OH - A local woman has told her co-workers that she understands, better than anyone else she knows, the current crisis in Kenya because her friend's nanny is from South Africa.
"I see this woman, my friend's nanny from South ...

WASHINGTON, DC - Several of the nation's most recognizable superheroes, including Superman, Batman, The Hulk and Captain America, have been called before a congressional panel investigating the use of steroids and human growth hormone in the superhe...

LOS ANGELES, CA - Friends and family of Jesus Christ are confirming recent internet reports that the Christian icon has converted to Scientology. The shift in religious philosophy has come as a shock to Christians all over the world.
"Ho...

TOKYO, JAPAN - A Japanese electronics firm, Nagisariko, has created the first penis implants that will allow men to control movie clips, either on a computer or DVD, while they masturbate.
"Masturbation is very big part of Japanese cultur...

IRVING, TEXAS - The Boy Scouts of America have retired two merit badges the organization has deemed "impossible to obtain." The badges to be removed from availability are the Talking to Girls and Popular merit badges.
"Let's be...

LOS ANGELES, CA - An animal rights group has begun protesting outside of Warner Brothers Studios demanding the immediate stop of all animal cruelty in its productions, including the popular Looney Tunes cartoons.
The animal rights organizatio...

MANCHESTER, NH - According to employees at Delwitt Chemical, the guy in the corner cubical on the second floor is a total dick.
"See that guy right there?" said Delwitt Chemical Accounts Receivable clerk, Rhonda Gilbert. "That g...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the economy is recession, The United States Government has issued recommendations to taxpayers on how to spend their economic stimulus checks.
Stating that the economic stimulus package will have its greatest affect on...

SEDONA, AZ - Only a few weeks after rejecting the endorsement of two controversial preachers, John McCain has announced that he has rejected yet another endorsement from a religious leader. In a public statement, McCain has denounced any connection ...

ST. LOUIS, MO - Budweiser Brewing Company has signed a contract that could revolutionize the marketing and promotion or alcoholic beverages. The deal, which will see Budweiser sponsoring a local man's liver disease, is said to be worth in the neighb...

CHICAGO, IL - In a three year study that has just concluded, scientists at the University of Chicago have been testing the widely accepted theory that once you go black, you never go back.
"We've all heard it at some point in our lives,...

KABOL, AFGHANASTAN - Those closest to him are reporting that Al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden may be retiring from terrorism at the end of the year. Over the past couple years, bin Laden has expressed growing interest in pursuing other hobbies and po...

DES MOINES, IA - During a speech given to local farm workers, Republican Presidential Nominee John McCain laid out his plan for combating rising fuel costs. The main focus of McCain's plan is to create more fossil fuels by burying various forms of o...

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