WASHINGTON, D.C. –The National Police Union has approved new white, robe-like police uniforms that will demonstrate a “commitment to peace and harmony”.
“People out there are thinking that the police are a bunch of fuckin’ thugs and ain’t in to that protectin’ the peace bullshit, or whatever,” said N.P.U. spokesman, Captain Cliff Harrin. “To prove to you fuckin’ jerkwads that we are peaceful-like, we done up some new uniforms. They are white so, you know, that’s a pussy-ass peace color, right? That’s what the chick that made these things told us.”
A statement released with the new uniform designs stated white was chosen as the new uniform color as it represents peace and the robe-like design was inspired by religious garments.
“White isn’t as fuckin’ cool or bad-ass lookin’ as black or camo but word came down that we needed to change shit around ‘cus some pussies were bitchin’ about police beatin’ up some pieces of shit so… whatever,” said member of the design committee, Sgt. Doug Connors. “And the robes, they will just cover all the protective gear we still need to wear in case someone throws a rock at us. All in all though the new uniforms remind me of my heritage. My dad and granpa both had robes that looked just like these.”
In addition to the new white robe uniforms, the police helmet has also been changed to better protect officers from COVID-19. Like the robe, the new helmets are white and cover the officer’s face. Additionally, the helmets will have a tall pointed top designed to help officers to be easily identified in a crowd.
“The really bitchin’ thing about the new helmets, is they is all pointy, so shit just grazes offa them,” said Los Angeles Police Department Officer John Brodle. “Plus, they lookin all spooky and shit, you know. Like a ghost. I’ma walk up behind some poor bastard and be all like ‘boo mutha fucka!’ and then beat on them with my ‘whackin stick’ for no good fuckin’ reason. It’s going to be tits. Man I love beatin’ people for no fuckin’ reason. Especially my wife! Yeah, I said it. Whatchu pussies gonna do about it? Arrest me? Get the fuck outta here.”
The N.P.U. dismisses criticism from some watchdog groups that the new uniforms are identical to those worn by members of the Klu Klux Klan.
“I can tell you this… my dad, and my grand daddy and his grand daddy and his grand daddy were all in the Klan and these uniforms look nothing like those. I mean, they are totally different. Just look. Here is my KKK robe and here are the new uniforms. See? Completely different,” said Harrin.
Despite N.P.U.’s claims, several watchdog groups will file lawsuits to stop the new uniforms from being adopted as they say the new uniforms are intentionally racist and provocative.
“On one hand the new uniforms are horrible and obviously intended to provoke fear and disgust,” said American Civil Liberties Union spokesperson, Racheal Verbitte. “On the other hand, at least the police are being more transparent.”