WELLINGTON, VA – Local man Jefferson Porter rewarded his eight-year-old son with ice cream despite the fact that his son did not deserve any such reward.

DOUGLASVILLE, GA – Atlanta Falcon running back Michael Turner has apologized to his fantasy football coach, Nathaniel Tiggs, for his sub par performance in last week’s game. Turner’s small point total resulted in Tiggs third consecutive loss.

Tiggs and his team, Bitches, Ballers and Bling of the ESPN Fantasy Football League are currently in last place.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – While the Portland Marathon isn’t until next month, local runner, Jassie Hill won’t stop talking about her preparation and training.

LAKEWOOD, CO – In an effort to motivate his favorite team, the Colorado Rockies, super fan Justin Tracy has undergone a cutting edge procedure to have more Team Spirit injected into his body.

GLENN FALLS, MI – A child in the St. Michaels Hospital Children’s Ward gave up on life last week as he learned that his favorite baseball player, Roger Clemens, had been identified in the Mitchell Report as someone who may have used performance enhancing drugs.

WITCHITA, KS – Although the football season is almost half over, McGearson High School cheerleader Breanna Winnik has yet to decide which football player she will sleep with first.

ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.

ATHENS, GREECE – After experiencing one of the lowest TV ratings ever with this year’s Winter Olympic Games, members of the International Olympic Committee, IOC, have come up with ways to make the next Olympic Games appeal more to today’s reality show audiences.

DETROIT, MI – In an effort to improve both revenue and team morale, the Detroit Lions of the National Football League have made public their attempt to clone former Lion running back Barry Sanders. The Lions, who were 3-13 last season, hope the success of the program will once again bring the team into prominence.

TAMPA BAY, FL – Despite never playing a single game of football in his life, 24-year-old Tampa resident Jake Berls declared himself eligible for the NFL draft. Listed as a Quarterback, Berls was confident going into the draft that he would be selected in the first two rounds. Despite his lack of experience, Berls was drafted 17th overall by the Arizona Cardinals.